Craig Jacobson's Current Events Page

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Now, Today's Headlines:

In order to become an official monument to courage and strength, Cristopher Reeve was bolted on top of the Washington Monument. Reeve reportedly begged to be taken down, but it was decided that it would be best to leave Reeve up as a tribute to the American spirit.

In a daring rescue mission, a select group of comandos working for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) raided a research facility and executed 49 lab technicians in order to save a white rabbit. The technicians were reportedly immobalized by being shot in the knees and then at point-blank range. The rabbit had been used to test eyeliners for a cosmetics company. 150 other technicians were injured in the raid which was hailed as "a daring first step in the war to protect animal rights."

In a move to remove the "loser" label, President Clinton was presented with the keys to ZZ Top's Mystical Hot Rod, and vowed he would immediatly spend more time with the hip band and their enterage of scantily clad women. Initial reaction was positive, as Clinton's approval rating jumped from 43% to 90%. "I, personally, am crazy about a sharp-dressed man," First Lady Hillary Clinton told reporters Monday. "And I believe it is fair to say that most, possibly all, American women share this viewpoint."

Here, the ZZ Top Mystical Hot Rod in its new location of distinction on the White House lawn.

Health and Human Services Sectetary Donna Shalala reported recently of a drop in drug use among "uncool" kids. Shalala stated that the report was expected. "Really, this should surprise no one," Shalala said. "If you'd ever met any of these kids, you'd be amazed they ever left their own bedroom, let alone smoked a joint." Shalala also reported that the use of drugs among "cool" kids increased dramatically for the 53rd straight year. Use among "uncool" kids declined for the 10th straight year.

In an effort to woo the gay vote for his 2000 Presidential campaign, Pat Buchanan announced that he would no longer support the incineration of homosexuals if elected President. Instead, that decision should be left up to the states. "If the individual states, such as Alabama and Colorado, want to burn gays, be it at the stake or in their gay homes, that is their prerogative," he said. "That is not a federal issue." Buchanan did not rule out flogging or iron-bar impalings. The Pro-Incinetation lobby was upset by the betrayl of their long-time supporter, and responded to the announcement by saying they would be taking their vote elsewhere in 2000.

In sports, Jesus Christ ended his temporary retirement and resumed his NBA career with the Atlanta Hawks. In his first game back, Jesus contributed 24 points and 11 assists in a stunning upset over the world champion Chicago Bulls. Hawks teamates refered to Jesus as their "savior" following the game. "I just want to get the Hawks back to the promised land," Christ said following the game. For other stories of significance, visit:

Hey, this is neat:

The Physics of Racing. Combines my favorite pastime with my intended major (at this time). Pretty cool! Until the 1999 Daytona 500!

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