Institute researchers have observed that Linda is often somewhere. Usually, she is on a chair (fig. 1) in Berlin.

There was a time when A. Hunter Bivens, Co-Director of the Institute, was very excited about the chair. Dr. Nancy M. Chiu had even obtained a pretty stand-up lamp from the junk shop on Petersburgerstraße. He believed that here finally was a place to read, safe from back-pain and slumber (fig. 2).

Soon, however, the chair became the site of an epic battle of wills, as Bivens and Linda fought bitterly for a place to sit. Linda emerged as the victor (figure 3).

It has been estimated by Institute experts that Linda spends between 12 to 16 hours a day in the chair. Lesser minds would be content to rest here. "Hey, where’s Linda? She’s on the chair." Would that it were so simple…

In point of fact, our estimate of 12-16 hours in the chair per day leaves 12 to 8 hours a day unaccounted for. Where is Linda indeed! The discovery that somewhere between 1/3 and 1/2 of Linda’s time remained unaccounted for was a chilling wake up-call to the Bivens Institute, and we quickly set to work.

At first, unsurprisingly, we discovered that Linda uses roughly 20 minutes to an hour on any given day eating, drinking water, and evacuating her bowels in front of the apartment door. An additional 10 minutes are spent procuring Katzenmilch (fig. 4) through high-pitched squeals targeted to Institute researchers.

Linda is also on the Institute bed for a couple of hours each day (fig. 5),

usually while researchers are attempting to sleep, licking them (fig. 6) This was in line with our expectations.

As research proceeded, these expectations were radically challenged. What we found was shocking. Though our statistics department is still processing the data, making any exact reconstruction of our finding impossible at the moment, we discovered that Linda spends much of the unaccounted-for time somewhere else (figure 7).