12 September 02

To: floyd@bivens.info
From: Rob White

Subject: bike seat...

Floyd you little villain. If you dare set a whisker on my bike seat again,
I'll tear the stuffing out of YOU, you beast. You're not so tough.

Good Riddance.

Former Master, or caretaker if you must.

Comrade White
Formerly of Square Lincoln

From: "nancy chiu-bivens" <nmcbivens@hotmail.com>
To: Floyd@bivens.info
Subject: Plot afoot
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2002 03:29:54 -0600

Herr Bivens,

As a loyal subject and unwilling expatriate, I have the unfortunate duty to
warn you of treachery within the ranks of your trusted advisors. One former
associate, whom you may have known as "that cheese eating orange cat" has
plotted to lead away your consort, yes the beloved and devoted Linda. He
has stolen many hearts, even the truest women of our age, with lies about
the luxurious western lifestyle. In fact, he leads them straight down a
path to lasciviousness and financial profit for himself, ultimately leaving
them destitute in the bleak night of exploited dreams.

I can only hope I have warned you in time. I was able to obtain these
photos from a contact in the federal virtual cattery. You can see what sort
of character we are dealing with by the length of his tongue, grown flaccid
with habitual lying (Fig.1). He clearly prefers inappropriately bright colors (Fig 2.), and
this may aid your surveillance team in monitoring his plot.

In unity,

nmcbivens

27 February 02


To: Bivens Institute
From: Grant G. Burger

This is certainly the best (and probably the most important) website
I've encountered.

If someone had had the foresight to undertake this a few years ago, we
could have sidestepped many of our now firmly-entrenched political and
social plagues. Mark Twain "was born modest...but it didn't last."

Bless you for fighting the good fight. Do you accept financial
contributions?

Do we ever! Thanks for your input.

2/26/02

Hi, you've linked to my site (http:floyd.unfocused.org) without my permission.
Please remove this illegal link immediately or I will be forced to take legal action against you.

P.S. Your cat is ugly.

Dear Floyd: Thanks for your input, and sorry about the unwanted link.
There was a misunderstanding as to the content of your site-- we thought it was about Floyd the Cat, you see.
Our internet search team gets a bit over-zealous. The link has been removed, and we are now indifferent to you.
As for your vicious broadside of the cat who shares your name: the Institute board has issued the statement:
"No, YOU'RE ugly." It appears, however, that Floyd the cat couldn't care less. Cats are like that. Dignified.

2/25/02

Dear Sirs,

I was recently quite disappointed to find your slanderous website during one of my routine searches.
As the representative of several cat fans, I find it unconscionable that you should speak of delicate
feline creatures as if they were no more than animals! Furthermore, to display such naked cruelty
and anthropomorphism in your photo subtitles is a most reprehensible indignity, as well as being in
quite poor taste.

In particular, I was dismayed to find that the lovely Linda Bivens is subject to constant hounding and
invasion while locked in the confines of the institute. It is a credit to her ingenuity and grace that she
has succeeded in evading your lecherous cameras and research assistants for a substantial portion of the day.
The only solace to her admirers is that the furnishings appear to be remniscent of the grandeur to which
she most naturally must be accustomed.

I beg of you, in the name of all things right and honorable, please release these gentle spirits from bondage,
so they can once again restore contact with their natural instincts. In particular, the mothership has been
unable to communicate with them through the thick lead barriers surrounding the institute. You cannot
conceive of the power of the forces you are dealing with, and it would be best for you and all life on earth
if you heed this warning immediately and allow open and free communication between Linda and Floyd,
and the other members of the council.


Justice will be served,

The Ten

Dear Mr. Ten,

Thank you for your input. Please know that we here at bivens.info intend no cruelty and anthropomorphism
toward the subjects of our research. The Institute opposes all cruelty and anthropomorphism. Furthermore,
to characterize our study of Linda as hounding (sic. ...Speaking of anthropomorphism. Though I guess this
is the opposite. Is there a word for that? I'm not sure if the Institute has a position on this. -ed) is to misunderstand
the advanced observation techniques with which we obtain our information. We are very sneaky. No, if there is
hounding going on, it is to be found in Linda's squealing every time we open the refrigerator. It is to be found in
Floyd's waking up Institute researchers in the wee hours of the late morning just to hang out. It is to be found,
Mr. Ten, in such efforts as yours to slander a highly reputable institution of scientific inquiry. We thank you,
however, for your concern, and hope that you and the council will continue to be regular guests of bivens.info.

Sincerely,

The bivens.info Team